Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
