So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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