why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
