oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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