I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize