i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
