My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
