"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
