Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
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