I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
