Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
