the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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