What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
