Four minutes until I can fart!
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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