My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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