He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
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Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
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I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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