...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
