The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
