u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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