Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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