Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
