Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
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I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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