That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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