He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
