Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
