which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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