I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
