i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
