I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
