Four minutes until I can fart!
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
