I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
