Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
