My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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