he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
