Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
