The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
