Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
There's always time for handjobs
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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