ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
