i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
