umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
