im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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