Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
