My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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