I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
