the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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