I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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