im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
