I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
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