angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
