I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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