it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
