How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
