Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
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Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
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She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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