when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
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