Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
