I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
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We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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