I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
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