guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
