it was like eating out sand paper
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
