Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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