you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
