I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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