I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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