My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
